Back from retreat Insight

I just back from 7 days retreat meditation. Well, lots of stuff to say. Very touching, I have not met Veneurable Guo Juan in retreat for a long time. The retreat was so boring to many people, but how come I find it so valuable?

This was my first ever retreat after I vow myself to reborn in pure land after death. I realised that we all lost our buddha nature, and finding the true buddha nature, ending the suffering is the only way to go.

I am not a particular fan of meditation. I have not meditated for a while. Before I went to meditate. I do not even know what meditation is really about in a very deep level.

Discovery process starts hours after the retreat was closed. After another sitting with my friend Shirley. I can count the breadth, which was out of my expectation. I had heavy leg pain as well, and as the moment I stayed in the breadth, for seconds, the pain was gone. I did not had this experience ever before.

I went home and I found out my place was so messy, a bit troubled to accept it myself. What a suprise.

After discussion, I told Shirley that I have problems in accepting myself, forgiving myself, always ask somebody else to accept myself, the fear to open up the rubbish bin. The lack of confidence in myself in removing the shit out of the bin. Hopelessness causes me to stop looking forward and chose to cover up the bin and escape. This is also part of the reason why I choose to reborn in pure land, ask Amitabha for help, I wanted to give up on this world and ask Amitabha to save me from suffering. However, because I realise the pain was so deep according to the buddha's sutra, I also want to save the others from suffering. With my limited time in this life, it is simply impossible for me to save myself without Amitabha's help.

My pure land practises such as chanting amitabha are still very useful to calm my mind down and do good virtues to others and myself, but it is still not pinpointing enough by the method of observing my breadth and leg pains, which is the main channel to connect myself due to the failure of accepting myself. Meditation is very direct, very brutal while chanting amitabha is more gentle way to get realisation of myself.

Can I accept this brutal force? I hope so, but it certainly helps my pure land practise.

Learning to relax is another art. I thought I have been relaxing, but can you relax in my leg pain? Can you relax when you are feeling sleepy? It is a very big challenge. Relax does not mean sloopy as well. Relax my mind is tough, the funny thing is you cannot use any force to relax your mind.

Because I know where to go after death, practising meditation with no expectation is nothing hard for me. Meditation cannot have expectations, there are no good or bad, but how many of us can really do it. For example, we might know that after meditation, our mind will be more settled. but is it really the case? if our mind cannot be settled after the 7 day retreat, are we disappointed? Experience the experience, very tough, particulary in real life. I cannot even expect I can write this passage after the retreat, or this is just simply another illusion as the Diamond sutra said.

I am a very emotionlly deep person. My personality can actually be found in HERE. Well it is not buddhism, but it is very useful in understanding myself and I can say more than 70% things say there are correct. I am a very emotionally powerful person, a weak person as well. Courage is simple my biggest enemy. I admit that I cannot tolerate painful experience very much, After this few months pure land practise, I am already suprised that I can look into death and study about it, and even not that fear of death, and even in sitting, I realise that my body is pain, my mind is not pain, but how what tolerance level can I up it? I am still not ready for me to play bungy jump, sky diving or even having serious pain in cancer for months. Well, not many people can be up to that tolerance. This is the world of suffering.

What can I expect out of meditation? No. Just sitting and follow the methods. Suprise will come, can I do it, lets wait and see



離開 這一刻感覺不會忘記
朋友 抱擁告別明天各自遠飛
難得 並沒傷感依依不捨顧慮
重拾昨天 樂趣一堆
曾經 每一天相約找美麗去
陶醉 美的故事互相勉勵去追
曾經 望著天空一起哭泣至睡
臨別說起 亦笑相對

#別了依然相信 以後有緣再聚
未曾重遇以前 要珍惜愛自己
在最好時刻分離不要流眼淚
就承諾在某年 某一天某地點 再見

TODAY WHILE THE BLOSSOMS
STILL CLING TO THE VINE
I’LL TASTE YOUR STRAWBERRIES
I’LL DRINK YOUR SWEET WINE
A MILLION TOMORROWS
SHALL ALL PASS AWAY
ARE WE FORGET ALL THE JOY
THAT IS OURS TODAY